Life is a Bag of Whacks
by WahaWanda
Summary: The heart-wrenching story of an amazing love. Will they be able to survive the tidal wave of romance?
1. Chapter 1

Nowaki sumptuously pursed his lips. Would this be the moment he lost his lip virginity?

"No," said Hirowaki, "We have to wait. For the baby's sake. You're 7 months pregnant, Whack-Chan."

"Goumen nasai, KeeKee-chan..." said Nowaki sadly, using his pet nickname for his sexual partner, "I just thought that... maybe, just maybe... today might be the day our longing lips finally touch."

"Bakka desu!" shouted Hirowaki alluringly, "You know I can't do that... you know I can't risk it, for you and the baby!"

And with that, Hirowaki angrily stamped his foot and ran out of the house, slamming the door behind him, leaving a devastated Nowaki behind him.

Nowaki threw himself down on the bed where just 7 months ago, he'd lost his virginity to the one true love of his life, Hirowaki. But something was wrong. Why didn't Hirowaki want to kiss him? And why did he say he "couldn't risk it?" Nowaki paused in his sexual sadness. What if... what if Hirowaki was seeing another man? An even younger man this time? There was a 4 year age gap between them, but maybe that wouldn't be enough for Hirowaki. Hirowaki liked them young.

Nowaki dismissed the thought from his head. Hirowaki would never do something like that! He punched a pillow, put his thumb in his mouth and went to sleep.

The next morning, Nowaki woke up and Hirowaki still wasn't there. He wandered around the house, eating chocolate and feeling his baby bump. It was difficult to believe that in just two months he would have a real little Hirowaki to love. Then again, it was just as difficult that there was a time when he didn't know he could ever love a little being inside of him so much.

Just then, the door slammed open. Nowaki opened the door. It was Hirowaki! "KEE KEE CHAN!!!" he screamed in a high pitched monotone, "I missed you so much! I was so worried!"

Hirowaki grinned wolfishly, "You don't need to worry about me, Whack-chan, I'd never let myself come to any harm. You and the Little Whacker mean far too much to me for me to ever let myself die before I see us all together."

Nowaki stroked Hirowaki's hair adoringly, picking out twigs and clumps of dirt. "Where did you sleep that you got so dirty, Kee Kee Chan?" he cooed.

"If you really want to know, I was sleeping in the park on a bench near where we first met. Remember? I broke my rocket and you helped me fix it. My rocket never broke again, but it is slightly crooked. It's still in the attic, you know."

"AAAH KEE KEE CHAN!!! Kawaii desu for you to keep it!" Nowaki screamed adoringly.

"It was nothing, I'd do anything for you, my gay little banana." Said Hirowaki.

"Really?" gasped Nowaki, "Anything?"

"Of course! In fact," Hirowaki said sheepishly, "I even got something for you while I was away.

"Ooooh!!!" giggled Nowaki, "Tell me!"

"All right, keep your hair on! I got you... this."

Hirowaki pulled out a black, lacy pair of negligee boxers. It was intricately designed, with holes in the lace, but made in just a way that you couldn't see anything, but only be pleasantly seduced by the thought of what lay inside.

"They're for you, Whack chan. For you to wear, for after the baby is born. For if, maybe, we wanted another one."

"They're GORGEOUS, Kee Kee chan! I love them so much! I shall be the sexiest and cutest uke on the block! But they must have cost you a fortune!"

"Didn't I tell you? I would do anything for you."


	2. Chapter 2

It was hot, it was huge and it was wet. And it lay right before Nowaki's eyes, practically being basted by his sexual fantasies. And it was within his reach......................

"WHACK-CHAN!!! You are so baka desu when you are eating! Eat your damn food, you big booty bitch!!" Hirowaki shouted at the top of his manhood to his pregnant lover. Nowaki giggled and caressed Hirowaki's face with his baby bump which was now 7 and a half months pregnant.

"Yes, Kee Kee chan! Itadakukamasu!!!" crooned Nowaki like a penguin who was getting laid.

Hirowaki began manlily eating his meal of sushi ramen and secretly analysing the shop across the road. Nowaki daintily slurped at his bowl of miso ramen and was thinking that it was weird he feeding two people at the same time and that the baby was actually kinda like a parasite draining away all his life force and omigod!!

Nowaki pushed the table away as he stood up alluringly, as a shocked Hirowaki's mascunility was drowned underneath a sea of soy sauce. Luckily they had run out of wasabi that day so Hirowaki didn't melt into a puddle as he had a deathly allergic to wasabi.

"BAKA DESU NE!!!!' I COULDVE BEEN KILLED AND WHAT THE HELL, NOW IM ALL WET." Hirowaki ranted as he started rubbing up and down his chest, slower with each brush. Nowaki had to control himself and bring himself together not to glomp Hirowaki there and there there on the family restaurant floor. It wouldn't be good for the baby.

"Sumimasenm, Kee Kee chan!!! Daijobu?" he asked in the most concerned voice as he started picking noodles out of Hirowaki's face.

Hirowaki saw those lips as they slenderly slurped up those long, slimy noodles and almost lost his composure. But he stopped himself just in time and instead stood up and walked past the door of the restaurant when it flew open.

It was Usami! Hirowaki's long lost sexual fantasy and whom he had a crush on for like ever. But ever since that day when Hirowaki found Nowaki's rocket and had given it back to its owner, a little bent than before, he didn't need to be a crazed university student stalker. He could now be an abusive, sadistic sexual partner.

Behind Usami stood a tiny kid who looked like 15 which was odd because as long as Hirowaki had known, Usami had liked them mature and experienced. Like cheddar cheese. But sexier.

Usami briefly nodded his head toward Hirowaki's general directional and then continued to walk in and the kid behind him opened the door and followed the giant in front of him. Hirowaki gazed at the pair as they walked past Nowaki, currently eating, and claimed the table in the far corner. The one that Hirowaki had tried to get. But was rejected because SOMEONE had reserved it.

KILL.

Hirowaki charged right at Usami and tackled him to the ground and they struggled on the floor for several minutes. There were some spectators at the beginning, but they had all drifted away by the 3 minute match point. Even the kid had stopped watching and was playing with his tamagotchi.

"Nani the hell?" asked a agitated Usagi as he eventually shoved Hirowaki off.

"Huh? Oh, because you took my table. Jerk."

"Oh. Gomen sumimasen."

And with that they stood up, brushed themselves and shook hands. Nowaki appeared out of the bathroom and was concerned as he saw HIS Hirowaki touching another MAN. He burst into tears and ran out the door crying. The waiter sighed and just knew he wasn't getting any tips tonight.

"By the way, Hirowakz, I have this ticket to a party tomorrow. You feel up to it? I feel as if you and your pregnant hippo might enjoy it." Said Usagi really casually. Hirowaki grabbed the tickets out of Usami's hands and fled the restaurant as he never paid for restaurants because you shouldn't have to pay women to do what they are expected to do anyways. The waiter decided to leave along with him because he felt like it.


	3. Chapter 3

Hirowaki ran out of the restaurant, calling for his uke. "Nowaki!" he shouted, worried. Nowaki shouldn't be out alone, especially at this stage in his pregnancy. Hirowaki sprinted down the street, hoping Nowaki had gone home. After he had turned down another street, he saw the retreating back of his partner, walking swiftly down the alley.

"Nowaki!" Hirowaki shouted again. The uke ignored him and carried on walking. When Hirowaki caught up with him, he saw that Nowaki's face was sweaty with tears.

"Whack chan! Why did you go off like that?!" Hirowaki said angrily.

"You were making out with that other guy... Usami-san! Why would you do something like that? WHY?"

"What?" asked Hirowaki, bemused, "I wasn't making out with him at all!"

"Yes you _were_! I saw you touch his hand!"

"Oh Whack chan. Is that why you are crying? Don't worry, I was just shaking his hand. We had a fight, that's all, and were shaking on it."

"Really?" sniffled Nowaki, "So you're not going to leave me for him?"

"Of course not!" laughed Hirowaki, horseishly. "Usami did give us tickets to a party tomorrow, though. Look, here's the invitation. It says to wear a kimono for a night full of fun."

_The next evening... _

"Come on, Whack chan, we're going to be late to the party!" shouted Hirowaki from downstairs.

"Just one minute, Kee Kee chan, I'm just re-brushing my hair." Replied Nowaki.

Hirowaki and Nowaki had spent the whole day redesigning Nowaki's purple kimono to accommodate his baby bump. When Nowaki had tried to put it on, at first it wouldn't fit over his stomach, so Hirowaki had cut a hole there so Nowaki's tummy could fit through. It bulged over the rest of the kimono, making Nowaki look faintly like a stripper. Nowaki nearly started crying. But then, Hirowaki had a brilliant idea. He found a purple sharpie and carefully coloured in all of Nowaki's protruding stomach. Now it looked like it was just part of the kimono.

Finally, Nowaki came down, looking adorable. Hirowaki offered his arm, and they walked over to the car. They got in seductively and drove to the party.

When they arrived, they got out and partied hard. The flashing purple and blue lights created a sexy and romantic atmosphere where Nowaki and Hirowaki were able to let loose with all of their gayness. Several men tried to chat up Nowaki, but Hirowaki soon chased them off. After a few hours, Hirowaki got them drinks and they went outside, even though it had began to rain, after all, there was no such thing as a couple who didn't have a kissing in the rain scene. (If they don't they are not allowed to be a couple.)

Suddenly, he froze in terror.

"It's... it's a kimonophile." he whispered, terriffied, pointing to a dark figure in front of him, "I... I never thought I'd live to see one on the streets of Japan. I... I thought they were all extinct, or else locked up!"

"What's a kimonophile, Kee Kee chan?" asked Nowaki, confused.

"Someone who has an obsession with Japanese clothing. They can name all the different types of clothing, have memorised the history of the fan, and can even determine the quality of a kimono just by looking at how the light shines of it." replied Hirowaki.

"That doesn't sound so scary!" said Nowaki, laughing.

"Bakka desu!" shouted Hirowaki, "A kimonphile is one of the most dangerous things in Japan! My aunt was killed by one! It will rip the kimono right off you to add to their collection! That's how obsessed and scary they are!

Suddenly, the kimonophile turned around. It had pale, porcelain white skin which was ice cold and so much makeup around its eyes that it had run, causing it to look like it was crying black demon tears.

It whispered one word. "Kimono..." it breathed, the word rasping over its dry throat and leathery tongue. All of a sudden, it began to run towards Nowaki and Hirowaki, in a slow shuffling movement, with its arms outstreched in front of it.

"Run!!!" screamed Hirowaki!"You musn't let it catch you!!!"

The two ran as fast as they could, Nowaki's baby bump wobbling sexily as his short legs moved in a motion that constituted running fast. They could hear the kimoans of the kimonophile behind them, but after they had been running for about a minute, they had outrun it, and it was no longer in sight or hearing range. Nowaki stopped and leaned against a wall panting. He stopped, looked at Hirowaki and they both burst out laughing.


	4. Chapter 4

The teabag boobed up and down in the cup before Hirowaki's eyes and he sighed like a melon. A big melon. He just couldn't believe what he had just heard on TV a mere hour ago.

Nowaki jiggled in and saw his love sitting on the kitchen. He cocked his head to one side and continued to wobble over to Hirokwaki's side. He was rather concernced as this was the eleventh tea bag Hirowaki had stuffed into the blender.

'Keee kee chaan?' Nowaki asked in the highest voice humanly possible for a pregnant man.

No reply. Nowaki was really starting to worry and relayed the information to the baby by sending it via rubs on his Hirowaki slammed the blender down and put the lid on dramatically.

'GODDAMIT, WHACK CHAN! I CAN'T STAND BEING LOCKED UP IN THE HOUSE ALL DAY WITH YOU AND BLENDING TEA SMOOTHIES! I need to be a man and go back to work!' he shouted out of the blue. He was so passionate while making this speech that he added a secret ingredient to the concution... CHEMICAL X.

Nowaki was very confused as the few months ago when he had been taken by Hirowaki (literally and in the sense of had sex with) and had fallen pregnant with his little whacker, Hirowaki had been so thrilled that he exclaimed that they must spend all their time together until the baby was born. So he got two years off work.

True Hirowaki had spent most of this time experimenting on perfecting his one day soon-to-be famous tea smoothie, but Nowaki could feel the love and chaste put into each shredded tea bag. And he liked it that way!

'KEE-KEE CHAN! YOU BIG... BIG... BILLY GOAT GRUFF!' exclaimed Nowaki as he ran in the house.

Hirowaki was dumbfounded and stood there motionless except to gently press the 'blend' button on the blender to blend the teabags to make a blended smoothie. The only sound filled in the apartment was a whirring and occasional pants.

He spent most of the rest of the day like this and couldn't begin to think where Nowaki went. What if he's in trouble...? ...Nah! Who would target an emotional guy? Hirowaki laughed to himself, keeling back, then forward so he was doing this

kinda pose. He then laughed to himself a bit and bit back a sudden urge to cry. NO! SEMES NEVER EVER CRY, he told himself firmly. They also make decent smoothies, he thought, as he chucked the residue of the last failed attempt out the window.

Just then Nowaki burst in.

Ever since that terrifying close encounter, Hirowaki and Nowaki had stayed at home all day. I mean every single hour. Technically it was more Hirowaki threatening to throw a book every time Nowaki ventured near the 10m radius of the front door but details matter not.

It had been an especially scary ordeal for Hirowaki as his aunt had been killed by a kimonophile. In memorance he burnt all the kimono and yutaka looking things around the house.

Since Nowaki had to get bigger clothes due to his pregnancy that also included all his pamaternity clothes. He only had three outfits left, one of them being a VERY unflattering smock. Hirowaki was now considering pouring oil over that too as it had the slight wafts of a kimono intended for a fat tourist.

So there the two lay, lying around the house when a phone call came from nowhere(well not literally, it did come from a phone). This startled both of them as they had not heard a proper noise for a good few hours because Hirowaki had insisted on quadruple glazing windows.

Nowaki joyfully pounced towards the phone but it turned out to be a lamp. Hirowaki, shaking his head at his husband's general stupidity, picked the phone up with one hand.

'Kamijou here. Sup?'

'YOU USELESS GOOD FOR NOTHING PIECE OF SHIZZELTWIRLS. You leave me for EIGHT MONTHS saying you're going to visit an anime con which was over ... ELEVEN MONTHS AGO?' screamed a familiar voice down the phone. Hirowaki sighed. He thought this may happen, that even his idiot boss would eventually realise the truth.

'Yes it's true, okay? I'm just come out and say it. I DON'T LIKE ANIME. AND YES, I AM JAPANESE.' He stuffed the words down the phones mouth. There didn't even come one second of stunned silence.

'HAH! I KNEW IT! And here was you lying in your job application and ... wait. So that time when we were discussing the ending of Sailor Moon... IT MEANT NOTHING TO YOU? TELL ME AINT SO, JIMMY!' screamed the wailing of Miyagi, the boss of the literature department. He had actually come from a family of mangakas but he couldn't draw for a piece of very succulent toffee.

Hirowaki, having no response to this outburst, skilfully slammed the phone down, like the way a tear slams down onto the floor after you stub your toe in that really painful way where you can't stop crying but you totally feel like a whiny retard for doing it.


	5. Chapter 5

Jerry was walking down the road, refreshed and cleaned, the first time he had felt like this in months after he had been fired from his job at a restaurant. Who would have thought he d get fired just coz he worked at a gay bar. True he was a bit of a homophobe. A lot of one. But still.  
Jerry continued to walk down the road, as straightly as a straight one man can walk. He connected his eye with every man who walked past, daring them to call him gay. He could perceive their thoughts. And if he happened to hear their thoughts thinking that he was of the homesexual variety, (if he ever heard ANY thoughts over the damn intereference... he just KNEW he should have upgraded to digital...), he would knock them down with his passionate heart burning red... JERRY PUNCH. He continued to strut like a horny peacock down the road, till he saw, behind a spikey-blue haired dude with a random teenage girl, two men. Two extremely, flamboyantly, gayly, GAY gays. And the taller of the two (and undeniably the gayest gay) was challenging his masculinity as a straight alpha male. 'Ha,' thought Kerry to himself, 'a chance to practise the martial arts he had just learned from that spreadswings channel on youtube on that utterly disgusting (but kinda hot) GAY DUDE and oh shit he was thinking out loud again, and why does this always happen ?  
Hirowaki pushed through the crowd like you push through mariokart when you get the bullet shark thing. He grabbed Jerry by the pocket of his trousers and smashed his head against the concrete. Not surprisingly, he bounced. "WHY WOULD YOU THINK SOEMTHING LIKE THAT ? BAKA !"  
"I'm sorry" begged Jerry, "I didn't mean to !"  
"AND SPEAK IN JAPANESE YOU DAMN FREAK, DIDN'T YOU EVER WATCH THE KOUKAN CHANNEL ?"  
"No... I... I ... I was abandoned as a child, and raised by anime characters... they... they.. taught me to speak Engrish." Jerry began to cry. Nowaki began to cry too, because the only thing worse than a kimonophile was anime characters. And they both began to weep, to weep for their lost childhoods, and then they went to sleep, to sleep in each others arms. From that day on, they became the best of friends.

_A Few Weeks Later..._

Harry pulled the door open, and found the barrel of a gun poking right up his nose. He began to scream...

A terrified Nowaki watching with his unofficial husband, Hirowaki, attempted to feed Hirowaki a marshmallow, but he wasn't looking so he tried to stuff it up his nose instead. "Kee-kee chan !" spluttered Hirowaki, his nasal cavity full of delicious mallow. "Be careful about what you're doing with that big, white, marshmallow !"  
"I'm sorry Whack-chan" Nowakai smiggled, "Here, let the baby kiss it better." And he covered his beloveds face with fat. Beneath the many layers, Hirowaki was suffocating. And fast. Although Nowaki thought this was a bit of harmless fun, Hirowaki knew that his uke was capable of killing him, even if he never meant to do it. He had to act. And fast. He decided to play his trump card. The card he had never wanted to play. But he knew it was the only way. The only way to get Nowaki so excited he would gtfo Hirowaki and go fangirl in another corner somewhere, on some other poor lost soul. A soul like that waiter who had followed them home after that night at the party, and ever since then had just sat in the corner of the room, rocking backwards and slowly. Hirowaki had once tried to ask his name, where did he come from, etc, but the only answer he got was "Milk. Chocolate milk." And then this freakin' huge ass hole had opened up, but Hirowaki just kinda ignored it, like any good seme. Speaking of weird things, all the windows seemed to be locked... but Hirowaki had sorted that out the good old fashioned way: with an axe. Anyway, back to the matter at hand.  
Hirowaki took a deep breath (of fat) and uttered duckishly:

"Nowaki. Jerry gave us tickets to the Furry Fondue Costume Party. Would you like to go ?"


End file.
